


Searching

by am_i_write



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, inktober for writers 2017, mentions of injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2019-01-09 07:16:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12271551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/am_i_write/pseuds/am_i_write
Summary: Tooru can't tell what Hajime is thinking.





	Searching

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the Inktober for Writers prompt by spymastery.
> 
> Day One - Searching

The crisp leaves crunch underneath Tooru's feet as he strolls through the park and inhales the thick Autumn scent of smoke and wood. With a cup of hot apple cider in one hand and Hajime's grasped in the other, he isn't sure there's another place in the world he could replicate this feeling in.

Gosh, he just loves Autumn. There's something poetic in the beauty of the death that Autumn brings, and maybe if he liked poetry he'd bother to ask why. For now, though, for this one beautiful, meaningless moment suspended in eternity, being with Hajime is enough.

His boyfriend had been uncharacteristically soft all day. Despite putting up an aggressive front, Hajime wouldn't actually hurt a fly, but today he was even gentler than normal, leaving all sorts of soft touches across Tooru's face and arms, hugging him from behind, and staring when he thought Tooru wasn't watching.

Tooru was always watching. Whether Hajime was cooking or cleaning or talking or sleeping, Tooru just couldn't afford to miss one moment of it. Those little instances where his face would light up with joy or flash with pain or even little movements where he'd run a hand through his spiky hair—not one of those expressions could afford to be lost.

"Tooru," Hajime murmurs, jerking him out of his thoughts. He slows to a stop, waiting until he has Tooru's full attention before he begins talking again. "You look pensive. What's on your mind?"

 _Nothing_  floats to his lips automatically, but there's no way his longtime best friend and boyfriend would ever accept that as an answer. "You," he settles for instead, squeezing his hand.

A small smile graces Hajime's face, but his eyes are dark and unreadable. Tooru desperately searches his face, but even after all these years of thinking he knew each tiny detail of Iwaizumi Hajime by heart, the emotions he's displaying are foreign. His heart quickens instinctively, gaze darting back and forth between each of Hajime's eyes, but he's not finding anything, and-

Suddenly Hajime's squeezing his hand and whispering soft assurances and kissing each of his fingers lightly, reminding him that everything's okay. "Talk to me, Tooru."

"You're the one that's being all weird and mysterious," he says, surprising them both. An apology bubbles up his throat, dangling at the edge of his tongue, but he swallows it. "You're being different today and I don't know what you're feeling, but you haven't shared anything."

There's a beat, and for a moment Tooru's scared that he's pushed into something personal and private, but then the other begins to speak.

"You're right." Hajime sighs, scrubbing a hand across his face. "I've had a lot on my mind lately, and I thought I was disguising it well, but evidently not. I'm sorry for worrying you."

A flash of fear crosses his face, and Tooru praises himself for recognizing it a second before shivering. What could possibly have made Hajime react like this? Even in his most emotional states, he had always been stable, constant. What had changed. "Hajime?"

"I'm sorry," he breathes, but he only gives Tooru a second to consider what this means before he starts up again. "We both know that I've been a little lost in what I want to do for the rest of my life, and while working for the moving company has been better than my previous jobs, I still don't see myself lugging around furniture for all the years to come. And recently, an opportunity came up."

Somewhere after Hajime started talking, they'd ended up walking again. They'd approached a small, empty picnic area, and Tooru tugs them down onto a bench, snuggling in with head over his boyfriend's heart. It's beating unusually fast, and Tooru just wants him to get to the point. "Yes?" he prompts, a bit impatient and a bit scared.

"An opportunity came up," Hajime repeats, laying a soft kiss on top of his boyfriend's head. He heaves a sigh before continuing. "I was at the gym the other day, and one of the fitness instructors there was telling me that they had to end the kid's soccer program there because the coach quit and they couldn't find a new one. So I got talking to him and he connected me to some staff and-"

Hajime hesitates, and it's enough for Tooru to push himself up, wanting to watch his face. His eyes are darker and wider and... _different-er_ than ever.

"I want to start up a volleyball program for kids."

Tooru's breath catches instinctively, and though neither of their gazes travel to his knee for even a second, he can feel the mild but persistent pang still pulsing under the surface after all these years. It aches, both the injury and all the dreams that went down with it, dreams he still can't let go of as he and Hajime try to navigate their future together, and-

 _Keep it together._  He takes a deep breath, focus zeroing in on the sensation of Hajime rubbing his hands up and down his arms until he feels in control of himself again.

"Tooru, you know I won't do anything that you aren't okay with," Hajime is saying, and Tooru is shaking his head no _no no no_.

"I can already tell how much you want this," he replies, using the last drops of cider to wet his mouth which is suddenly so, so dry. "I refuse to be the burden that holds you back from your dreams."

"You're anything but a burden," Hajime says, and suddenly his passive demeanour has dissolved, replaced with his familiar warm fierceness. "You are my future, Tooru. No matter where we go or what we become, you are the only dream I care about. Everything else comes second, and don't you ever forget that."

"You're my first too," Tooru whispers back, but why can't Hajime just see that he has so much more potential than he is using? "But please, Hajime. This isn't just about us, either. Just think about how many kids can fall in love with the sport, just like we did all those years ago. You have to take this opportunity. I should've gotten over this injury years ago, anyway."

"Don't. Don't ever say that. If you force yourself to hit a certain place in the recovery process before you're ready, you'll never heal properly." And damn if they aren't broken, but when they're together sometimes Tooru wonder if there's anything they couldn't take on. "We have tons of old friends from volleyball who have a passion for kids. If this isn't the right opportunity for us, we can still work to provide something for the kids. It's not black or white, yes or no, right or wrong."

"You were correct before, though," Tooru says, and his voice sounds simultaneously more and less confident than he feels. "You're not happy where you are, and you just found the perfect opportunity for you. There may be other people who could fill the position, but you're made for it."

"We don't have to decide now," he says, and Tooru things just maybe he's starting to figure out what the mysterious darkness swirling in his eyes is made of. Hajime's _searching_ , searching for a solution, for a path that works for both of them, for a plan that has room for recovery and renewal and for love and happiness.

And it's more than he deserves.

"You need to care more about yourself, Hajime. You aren't-"

"You're just as much a part of me as I am," Hajime interrupts, reaching up to card his fingers through Tooru's hair, probably for no reason other than he knows how weak he is for it, that asshole, and he's pretty sure there are tears pooling in both of their eyes, but neither of them really seem to care. "I cannot separate your needs from mine."

"You're too good for me, Hajime."

"In my eyes, I will never be good enough." _Broken_ , the voice inside whispers. _You're both so goddamn broken_. "We have time, Tooru. We don't need to make any decisions now. The idea has been brought up, and we can discuss from here, but there's time okay?"

"We're searching," Tooru thinks, and he didn't mean to say it aloud, but Hajime is smiling and nodding and blinking the tears out of those eyes that hold more love than one person should be able to experience.

"Yeah we are. And someday, Tooru, we'll realize that we've found where we're supposed to be. I promise."

And strangely enough, even if they never do find that place of rightness, just searching is enough, as long as they're together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think :)


End file.
